Six Months Ago

Six Months ago today I had my Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy.  I remember thinking at the start of my 2 week preop diet that I didn't know how I would get through the next 8 weeks......2 weeks of preop diet, 3 weeks of liquid diet and 3 weeks of a soft diet.  I was/am a food addict and 8 weeks of food restriction seemed insurmountable.  Finally, six months ago today the preop diet was done and it was surgery day!  My first postop memories were are of waking up in severe pain with my back arched begging for more pain meds all while wondering what in the heck (okay, I was really thinking the other word) I'd done to myself and wishing I could go back.  Ya know, like being able to push the rewind button like you can on your DVR?  Yeah, I hurt that bad and little did I know I would deal with some significant pain issues until I reached 1 month postop.  The early days were rough for me.  Besides all the pain, it felt like more than a full-time job just trying to get in all my fluids, protein, "food" and vitamins.  I thought this is now what my life was going to be like and it was....sort of.  The pain slowly subsided and those feelings of being overwhelmed and it taking so much energy and work just to do the basics of life only lasted a short time.  Then, life became more normal again.  A new normal.  My stomach was now so much smaller and I'd no longer ever be able to eat huge quantities at one time, but wasn't that the point of all this?  Yeah, it was so now my normal is a new normal that I LOVE!  Bright and early just before 6 am on June 5, 2012 my surgeon came in and asked me "are you ready to do this?"  Not knowing how I'd regret it just a short time later, I confidently said "yup, I sure am.  Are you though?"  He told me he was.  He then told me that after surgery I may not like him for awhile but I would get over that and soon enough he would be one of my favorite people.  I listened and understood what he meant.  I'd had surgery before.  This couldn't be any worse, right?  That of course meant I understood that statement he'd just made.  It was only minutes later I was given the relaxtion medicine that made me fall asleep soon thereafter without being able to absorb many more memories.  The next thing I new, I was awake. It was over and I was in PAIN!  Pain like I'd never felt beofre.  I knew for sure I certainly didn't like my surgeon at that point and he definitely wasn't on the top of my list of favorite people in my life.  Heck, at that point, I don't think he was even anywhere on the list.  I had no idea what I was getting myself into when he made that seemingly oblivious statement about me not liking him at first.  Now, and only now, I knew what he meant and I knew with 100% certainty that just a short time earlier I didn't REALLY understand that statement he'd made just before 6 am.  BUT I DID NOW! Oh boy did I!  I understood it loud and clear!  Now, as I sit here 6 months later, I know my surgeon is on that list of my favorite people and he's pretty darn far up on it too.  What he did was give me a tool I needed to reclaim my life back and to set me on my journey back to me, as I say.  Today, I am fully recovered from surgery and am down 76 pounds and am no longer on blood pressure medicine. Prior to surgery, people would've described me as a happy person.  I've always been a happy person...on the outside.  On the inside I wasn't happy or optimistic.  My life was being controlled by food and I was gaining weight at a steady pace.  I started a diet more times that I can even remember only to be right back to unhealthy eating within days and sometimes even within the same day as the diet started.  I was extrememly obese at 304 pounds and I had high blood pressure because of it.  I feared being diagnosed with Type II Diabetes.  My body hurt all over all the time and I never saw a doctor with any of my complaints because I knew I was the cause of it.  I just suffered both physically and mentally while still appearing to be my happy self that everyone has always known me to be.  Today, I am still obese at 228 pounds but my life is totally different.  I can't even begin to tell you how much better I feel now than I did 76 pounds ago.  I still have some aches and pains that I suspect will go away with continued weight loss, but they are no where what they were at 304 pounds.  Life in my body is so much better physically and mentally.  Some people pick their eyes or their legs or some other body part as the favorite part of their body.  If you ask me, I will tell you unequivocally it's my sleeve....something I can't see but something that I know is there everyday helping me become the me I want to be.  Helping me save my life.  What other body part could trump that as my favorite body part?  None.....EVER! 

Sinus Surgery.....UGH!

Surgery went well from my two surgeon's points of views.  The first one said that my sinus passages were extremely constricted and I should notice a huge difference in how I feel once I'm healed. The second surgeon fixed the hole in my septum with a piece of skin from behind my ear. I was told by 3 different people how slow he works because of his perfectionism. One said he is OCD about his work. I told her I like OCD in my surgeons so long as it pertains to their work on me. Anyway, that surgeon said it was quite a large hole. Septal hole repairs are not always successful, but his career success rate is 100% so I expect mine to be successful as well. I have internal splints inside my nose for the next 2 to 4 weeks and an external splint until I see him next Wednesday. The pain this go round has been quite a bit more intense and I will be glad when it finally lets up. Even doubling up on my pain meds hasn't taken it all away.  On another note, I really tested my sleeve yesterday. I ate the night prior to my surgery (Tuesday) for the final time around 10:00 pm and didn't eat again until about 7:00 pm last night, the evening following my 7:30 am surgery.  I had zero feelings of hunger in my tummy. The Ghrelin is still gone! Prior to surgery, I would have been starving. Yesterday, I was just weak and thought it was surgery related. However, after eating I felt so much better that I knew it was mostly due to lack of food. I'm glad to know just how well my sleeve is working for me. Now, if I can just get the pain in my nose and face under control, I'll be doing much better!

~Amy

Sinus Surgery.....Again

I had sinus surgery in April of this year and will be going in again tomorrow for a second surgery. For the past 8 to 10 years or so, I have gotten between 5 to 7 sinus infections between October and March. Basically. I was having one after the other during those 6 months. Needless to say, I was pretty much miserable half the year, every year for years. Since my surgery I've continued to have problems.  I've had constant sinus pressure and I developed a hole in my septum from a staph infection I got after the first surgery. The good news though is that I made it through October without a sinus infection. I think the first surgery fixed that problem because it has been years since I didn't have a sinus infection in October and 4to 7 more in the following 5 months.  Due to the continued sinus pressure I've been having, my ENT is going back in and opening the sinuses in my nose and head wider. Then, I will have the whole in my septum repaired by another physician, a craniofacial surgeon.  This procedure isn't medically necessary, perse, at this point. However, it may become so at some point in the future and I'd be crazy not to go ahead and do it for a couple of reasons. For one, I will already be under anesthesia for the procedure I do need and for two, I've met my out of pocket maximum for the year so both procedures will be done at no cost to me. I'm somewhat nervous about the hole repair as they cut your skin at the center, base of your nose and peel it back. They also take skin from, I think, behind my ear to use to patch the hole. Then, I will have internal and external splints in and on my nose.  The external splint will be there for about a week. The internal splints will remain for approximately a month. Hole repairs aren't always successful but this surgeon has yet to have one fail. I'm mainly nervous about the pain I might have and the annoying splints. I didn't have an external splint the first go round, but I had the internal ones and they are annoying!  I know I've made the right decision to undergo both of the procedures, I just wish I didn't have to!  But onward I go......


~Amy

A Penny Day

A Penny Day is a day when you “splurge” from your healthy eating lifestyle.  It is best explained by using the pennies in a jar analogy.

The first jar has 365 pennies in it which represent the days of the year.  Now, make a list of every day in the year that you might stray from your healthy eating lifestyle.  Days like birthdays, weddings and holidays are some examples.  For each day you list, take 1 penny from the first jar and put it in the second jar.  Now look at jar 2.  In the 2^nd jar, you have 25 or so pennies.  The remaining 340 or so pennies are still in your first jar and represent the days you will be living a healthy eating lifestyle.  The 25 or so pennies in the 2^nd jar represent the time each year you know you are going to splurge and stray from your healthy eating lifestyle.  Using this example you can see that what you do on the 340 days of the year that you are following your healthy eating lifestyle closely is much more important that what happens on those 25 or so days that you splurged. 

The problem though is it is not always easy to get back to our healthy eating lifestyle once we had a Penny Day. 

Strategies for Success:

Give Yourself Permission--If the Penny Day is one meal or one day, plan to enjoy it. Agree with yourself that is it okay not to have a healthy eating day. 

Frame Your Splurge--Keep your indulgences to one meal or one day.  Make sure you keep your exercise program and eating structure healthy the day before and the day  after your celebration. This is called "framing" your splurge.

Have a Plan--Plan the details of your splurge and the days before and after so you can stay on track.   

The Splurge--Remember that your splurge isn't your last one ever.  The goal here is to have a great time and enjoy your company. Focus on those foods that you love, eat slowly, and give yourself permission to savor them.

Take Pride in Your Recovery--Now it’s time to get back on track. If you overate, don't beat yourself up about it. Your overall success depends on how quickly you can recover from these special days.  Remember the pennies in a jar analogy.

My near future goal is to figure out my penny days.  What are yours?

~Amy

Excuse The Look

First and foremost, excuse the look of my blog!  I'm tring to change the look of it just a bit and, as you can see, I'm having issues.  From what I understand the real problem is with Blogger and there being an issue with it working correctly to be able to change the look of your blog.  It looks like this has been going on for months, so who knows when I will have my blog looking pretty again.  So, please excuse the "mess" that you see currently!

Okay, on to the next subject.....life post VSG.  Life has been pretty decent in my VSG world although October was a CRAZY month weight wise.  I ended up only being down 4 pounds from where I started in the beginning of October.  In the real world (non-VSG world), this loss is okay at best.  In the VSG world, 4 pounds in a month totally sucks!  I have to take some, okay all :-) of the responsibility for it though.  I haven't been watching my diet.  That is, until the last week of October where I lost all of those 4 pounds.  Terrible, I know, but it is what it is and I've moved passed it.  Now, I'm just trying to move forward and focus on what is now and what is in front of me.  It's been "awful" at work from a trying to lose weight perspective with all the Halloween candy, cookies and other goodies around here.  I've eaten a bit of it and consider eating the small amount I have a moderate success.  Hey, considering what I was eating on Halloween last year and for many years before that I should probably call it a HUGE success.  But, for now, I will call it a moderate success.  It wasn't perfection and I think I can only declare a HUGE success had I stayed out of the junk all together.  Besides, the major part of life post VSG is learning to live with food....all kinds of food.  I'm not a big supporter of those, what I call "Food Natzi's" that I see a lot of people have turned into post VSG.  I want to learn to live a healthy lifestyle at a normal weight and I don't want to always live with the diet mentality.  Denying myself all the "bad food" just perpetuates that diet mentality and I'll be darned if I will live like that for the rest of my life.  So, as I move forward in my journey, I am learning all kinds of things.  One of those things is how to balance my eating.  In other words, how to eat healthy and how to include some of the "junk" like a normal sized person.  I still struggle sometimes, but today I am miles away from where I was on June 4, 2012.

~Amy

The Ups and Downs of the Scale

As I've said before, I weigh everyday.  It is the first thing I do every morning after I wake up and pee.  However, I only record my weight once a week.  On September 3rd, I was 1.8 pounds away from the 60 pound mark.  I was sure I'd hit it that week.  Boy was I wrong.  That following Monday, September 10th, I was 2.8 away from the 60 pound mark.  I had gained weight over the prior week and my motivation was really lacking.  Another week passed and now it was Monday, September 17th and now I was 3.4 away from that, what seemed to be elusive, 60 pound loss.  Around this time, the information at my support group really sank in and my motivation seemed to start improving at this point.  When I weighed in on Saturday following that September 17th weigh in, I had now reached my 60 pound weight loss and today when I weighed in I'm showing a total loss of 65 pounds!  I'm worried I will start wavering again in my losses since I lost 5 pounds in 4 days.  However, I'm hoping not.  I guess time will tell.

~Amy 

Neglect

Okay, I've neglected my blog and based on my post below, I've neglected other things too.  Sometimes, you just get tired of thinking about all that goes into daily life post bariatric surgery and you need a break of sorts.  I did anyway.  I feel back to concentrating on my post VSG life now though.  I have updated my pics of my progress I document here and made 2 posts in the last week, so I guess I'm done with my "break" for now.  :-)  On a good note, my scale finally went back down today.  I am 1 stinking pound away from my 60 pound weight loss now.  I hope to hit it soon.  I'm tired of that goal looming over my head.  I'm ready to make that goal and move on to my next one.

I have all my pics posted in a separate spot on my blog, but thought I'd post my face page compilation I did for my Facebook group here on my main page.  The more detailed pics can be found by clicking the link on the right side of my blog.   That's all for now y'all.  I hope everyone is doing well and rocking their sleeve.  It is still my favorite body part!

Do you see much difference?  I barely do, but people in real life are telling me how much I've changed.  I'm down 59 pounds and 16 1/2 inches overall so far.

~Amy

Motivation

I guess motivation is a good title for this post. The past few weeks I've been lacking it.  My exercise has been less than optimal and my diet......well, that's another story. It's not been way off track.  My sleeve helps tremendously with that.  However, I haven't been as disciplined with it as I should have been and it is showing on the scale. I was so close to the 60 pounds almost three weeks ago and I still haven't made it there. This week has been better. I feel more mentally optimistic and back on my game. This is definitely a journey. Not just a journey of losing weight and getting healthier, but a journey of learning.  A journey of learning about my issues with food and all that encompasses as well as learning how to live in this world peacefully (and not obsessively) with food.  This journey is so much more than I ever imagined it would be when I started this journey. I continue to immerse myself with Support in the ways I've discussed before - weekly and monthly support groups runs by a psychologist, my sleever's Facebook group and a local support group of other sleever's that meets monthly for lunch. I don't expect to go through this journey without hiccups along the way and I guess the past couple of weeks is what I'd call a hiccup. I think I learn a lot during those times and I think I grow during those times. I just wish those times didn't involve growing physically!  Anyway, like I said, I feel more back on track. Now I just need to keep it that way. I wanna reach 60 pounds lost soon!

I hope everyone is doing well and losin' lots of weight!

~Amy

Exercise

Exercise.  Simply put, I HATE it!  However, I need to either find a way to start liking it or I need to just resign myself that I just have to do it, like it or not.  I'd really rather start liking it, but I'm not sure I have control over that.  I either do like it or I don't like it and I currently fall under the latter.  I do hope if I make myself do it long enough that one day I will start to like it and want to do it because of that "high" that regular exercisers get.  You know the one I'm referring to?  My sister exercises ususally 5 days a week and hates it if she misses it because she just feels better overall when she exercises.  That is what I want.  I guess 3 weeks so far of doing cardio 3 times each week isn't long enough to have that feeling.  The only way to see if I can feel that way is to keep on keeping on.  Exercise is so important to my long term health and long term weight loss and weight maintenance.  I love the way I feel after I'm done doing it, but I dread going and I ususally dread it while I'm doing it.  I am working out with a new sleever friend, Cheryl, and that helps tremendously.  Ususally, she listens to her music and I listen to mine until we are done.  Tonight though, we actually talked through our cardio and it made it much more enjoyable and it made it go much faster.  Soon, we need to add in weight training.  I'm trying though to take 1 step at a time and not overload myself which would most likely lead to quitting exercise all together.  So, for now, baby steps it will be. 

I hope everyone is rocking their sleeve!

~Amy  

Caribbean Cruise

A Caribbean cruise. I'm going on a Caribbean cruise!  I'm a part of a Facebook sleever's group.  Most of us had surgery in Jume but others have since joined us. Anyway, one of the ladies in the group, Toni (hi girl!) brought up the idea of doing a cruise next June to celebrate our 1 year anniversary and we are doing it. Better yet, we are leaving on June 17th.  That's one day before my birthday so I will be somewhere on the ocean on my birthday. I find that extremely cool. What's even more exciting is I get to cross 2 things off my bucket list......going on a cruise and swimming with the dolphins. I don't care if I have to go by myself, I'm swimming with the dolphins in Cozumel darn it!  I don't know if I'm more excited about that or the cruise or meeting and hanging out with more of the girls from our Facebook group.  I guess it's all really exciting. It's gonna be a LONG 300 days. Yes, I know how many days it is until the cruise thanks to an Android app.

I hope everyone is doing well. As always, more later!

~Amy

The "Fun" is Over

So last week weight was pretty much falling off me and I was in heaven!  However, then Monday came and overnight I had "gained" about 3 pounds. The good thing though is I took it in stride. I had still lost over 3 1/2 pounds from the prior Monday's weigh in so how could  I not. That's a good weight loss. This week has been more normal. It definitely isn't as much fun, but it is what is is.  And, I am losing weight. It just isn't falling off me like it was. I am okay with that though. This isn't a race and I didn't get overweight overnight and I'm not gonna lose it all overnight. 

On another more, I am part of a Facebook group for (mostly) other sleeves who had surgery in Jume of this year. There is discussion about possibly doing a cruise next June to celebrate our one year surgiversary.  I've never been on one and it is on my bucket list so the idea of this thrills me!  It would also be HUGE motivation for me to lose as much weight and tone up as much as possible between now and then. There are several people very interested in this, so hopefully it will all work out and 10 months from now we will be cruising and celebrating!  

I'm continuing to attend Dr. Ashmore's weekly group Thurdays at 5:30 pm and am so very happy I discovered it.  Not only do I love the support from the others there, but I'm already learning so much from the doctor!  I feel very lucky to live where I do so that I can be a part of this group.  I highly recommend it to anyone who has the opportunity to attend it or something similar.  I think it, as well as other things, are the keys to my success. I WILL BE SUCCESFUL!  I will not waste this gift that has been given to me.  Okay, this gift I paid $12,000.00 for.  

I hope everyone is doing well!

~Amy

A Perspective on Stalls and Gains

Below is another post I made on VST but am making here too for documentation puposes and for anyone who reads this who is not a part of the VST boards.

First of all, I'm only 9 weeks and 2 days out so the perspective I'm offering here is what I call the "newbie stall or gain" and not the stalls and gains of those of you get who are much farther out than me and a lot of us I see post about stalls.

Since being released to eat soft foods, my diet has pretty much been the same.  I usually eat 600 to 800 calories a day and for the most part, my intake is closer to the 800 calorie mark than it is to the 600 calorie mark.  I weigh everyday, but only record my weight on my blog every Monday.  When I weighed in on Monday July 30th, the scale showed a gain of two pounds from the prior Monday's weigh in.  I had done nothing different that I could pinpoint as the cause of this gain.  I wasn't happy about it, but knowing that it sometimes happens, I moved on from focusing on it.  Throughout that week, I continued to weigh everyday as I normally do.  The scale would show I was up one day and down one day but it wouldn't consistently go down.  I was gaining and losing the same 3 pounds all week.  When I weighed on Saturday my scale said 261.8.  That is only .6 lower than my previous Monday's weigh in.  I thought surely I was in for a little loss or a gain again in 2 days when I weighed in and recorded that weight.  Sunday, though when I weighed the scale showed me losing 5.6 pounds overnight.  It shoked me so much that I weighed 4 more times just to make sure it wasn't my scale going bonkers and yep, I'd "lost" 5.6 pounds overnight.  I wasn't sure though that it would stick.  I was hopeful, but doubtful.  Then came Monday morning.  I woke up, peed and hopped on the scale afraid of what I'd see.  The scale showed exactly 1 pound heavier from Sunday's weigh in but it gave me a weight loss of 5.2 from the previous Monday's weigh in.  It felt really good to put that in my blog considering the week before I had to put a 2 pound gain.  Anyway, on to this week.  So Monday, I weighed 257.2.  On Tuesday, I weighed 255.6.  I'd lost 1.6 pounds overnight and was down 49 pounds total.  Yay!  On Wednesday, I weighed 254.8.  Another loss this time in the amount of .8 overnight.  I was now only .2 pounds away from hitting the 50 pound mark.  And all that brings me to this morning.  I got on the scale and it said 253.2.  Wow!  I couldn't believe it.  I'd lost again overnight.  This time 1.2 bringing me to a total of 51.40 pounds gone forever.

So, my point to this is you have to look at the whole picture of weight loss and not just what happened today or over the past week or two or three.  The week I gained 2 pounds was no different than this week where I've lost 4 pounds in only 3 days.  I've been very consistent with my program and there just is no logical reason for what has occurred.  Okay, yes there probably is but it is probably stuff a scientist would have to explain and we wouldn't understand anyway unless of course one of us here is a scientist.  Anyway, I know that sometimes it is hard to look beyond what is going on at the present, but we really need to sometimes in order to keep our sanity.  Stalls and gains will happen and we will hate every minute of them but when we step back and look at the overall picture, it will look a lot better than what is going on in the present.

I hope I've offered some insight to those of you struggling with a stall or gain right now and that it will give the ones of you who haven't expreienced this some comfort when you finally do.

My "Present"

I posted this on VST, but I thought I'd post it here for documentation purposes as well as for anyone who may have happened across this blog who isn't on VST:

Today, I am exactly 9 weeks out from surgery and I got a "present" for my anniversary.  For the last couple of weeks I have been gaining and losing the same few pounds.  Although I understand that is part of the process, I still don't like it.  Anyway, I woke up yesterday and weighed as I do every day and the scale was done 2 pounds.  Yay!  This morning I woke up and again weighed and the scale was down another 2 1/2 pounds.  Yippppeee!!!  That makes up for stall I was in for the 2 weeks prior.  Okay, but all that isn't  but my "present".  What is my present is that I'm at 49 total pounds lost now......1 more pound till I hit the big milestone of 50 pounds.   I've been waiting to hit that milestone and now I'm on the door step to doing it. 

For anyone reading who may be considering having the sleeve, do it!  It is one of the best decisions of my life.  I started this journey at just over 300 pounds.  I had high blood pressure for which I took meds and my cholesterol was on the border of needing meds.  My whole body hurt all the time and just normal daily activities were a chore and literally a pain to my body.  Bending over to tie my shoes or shave my legs was painful and left me breathless.  I sweat at the least little exerction and stairs were hard.  I felt so helpless to control my relationship with food and thus lose any weight.  Food controlled my life and I was miserable.  Today, just a short 9 weeks later, I am so different.  My body only has occasssional pains now, I'm down to 1/2 my dose of blood pressure meds, I can tie my shoes and shave my legs with no problems and I have tons of energy these days.  Food no longer controls me.  Yes, I still have mental battles with it but I'm working on those and learning to quiet those noises in my head that want me to graze all day.  I had tons of pain up until I was 4 weeks postop.  Knowing what I know now, even that wouldn't stop me from doing it all over again if I had to.

I hope everyone is rocking their sleeve and loving life!

~Amy

Support

I'm still on the subject of support and I have two things to talk about.

First, I went to the weekly group led by Dr. Ashmore that I talked about earlier.  All I can say, well not all, but WOW!  I think I'm really going to like this group and I also think I'm going to learn a lot in dealing with the "head issues" that are the majority of my battle in being successful in losing my weight but more importantly, in maintaining it.  I highly recommend something similar to anyone who has that option.

Second, on the VST boards, I've connected with others in my area. We've decided to meet for lunch the first Saturday of every month. Today, there were 5 of us. It was really nice to meet them and hear their stories but more importantly, we all understand each other in ways that people who haven't had surgery don't. It's just another form of support and I really don't think a person can have too much of it. I really look forward to getting to know those women better and meeting others who are able to join us in the future. Thanks Toni, Amanda, Jacqi and Susie for a wonderful time today!  I can't wait to hang out with you girls again.

I hope everyone is rockin' their sleeve and lovin' life like me!

~Amy

My Weight and Support

I should've titled this post "Ugh!" again but since that was the title of my last post, I thought I should come up with something new. Plus, I want to talk about support too.

Okay, first the weight part. I have no idea what is going on. I'm not eating a ton of calories but my weight seems to be in a stall again. I record my weight every Monday and as of last Monday, my previous week's weight loss was .06. It seems I'm on that same kind of path for this week's weight loss too and that literally SUCKS BIGTIME!! I know whatever is going on will pass and my weight will keep going in the right direction. I just wish it would hurry up. I'm inpatient! Besides, as I talked about in my post below, I feel this pressure to lose 80 pounds by December 7th and weight loss of less than a pound a week for two weeks isn't helping very much with that. I guess it's time to really buckle down with my diet, tracking my food and my exercise. Okay. I'm done whining for now!

On to the topic of support. I truly believe it is a big key to success in this journey. I started the monthly support group offered by a local hospital earlier this month. One of the usual speakers, Dr. Ashmore, is the Director of Behavorial Health Sevices at the hospital. During his presentation he mentioned a weekly group he does for weight loss surgery patients. I was immediately interested because, although the monthly support groups are great, I don't think that is enough. At least not for me anyway. I still plan on going to them in addition to the weekly group hosted by Dr. Ashmore. Anyway, Dr. Ashmore said he needs to see anyone wanting to join the weekly group for a private office appointment first to make sure you are a good fit. I had my appointment with him last Thursday and he said I'd be good for the group. Yay! I'm excited to start it next Thursday evening. During my appointment though, he asked me what my goal weight is. I told him I don't really know as I feel it's really too early to set one. I did tell him though that I most likely will want a BMI that is considered normal and why. On a side note, I haven't discussed it here but my Mom suffers with stage 4 renal (kidney) failure. My sister is currently getting tested to see if she is a match. However, if she isn't, I can't get tested until I have a BMI in the normal range. Now, back to the story. I told him that Brittany, the P.A. who works with my surgeon, said something about 155 being a good goal weight. Since I started at 304, that is pretty much half my body weight. On two different occassions Dr. Ashmore made a comment about it being half my body weight and how he couldn't believe Brittany would choose that much weight loss. He then followed it up both times saying how it could be done but it will be "very hard" and "a lot of work". Okay, I get that but those words aren't what bothered me or at least I don't think they were. It was the WAY he said it. It felt like to me that the tone of his voice was saying that losing 150 pounds was a virtual impossibility. I don't know why I'm letting it bother me but I am. Maybe it's because he is an expert in dealing with overweight people and weight loss surgery patients and if he is negative about me doing it, then maybe I can't. The thing is, I know I can if I do the work. I guess it really comes down to me doubting my ability to do it. Food has controlled me for years and despite having VSG, it still does. No, I can't eat a huge amount at any one time, but I still have the ability to "cheat" my sleeve by grazing and I'm scared to death about falling back into that habit and not being successful. There, I said it. I'm afraid of failure. I'm sure what I'm going through is normal but it is the reason I so firmly believe in support. I think support gives me, or anyone for that matter, the best chance of being successful on losing my excess weight and maintaining it for life. All that being said, I am glad I went to see Dr. Ashmore. He really is caring and supportive even though I didn't make it sound like that with my earlier comments. I really look forward to joining his weekly group to learn all I can to help me and so that I can connect with others also going through this journey.

I wish everyone well!

~Amy

Ugh!

Well, I thought my stall was over.  I actually did better two weeks ago when I thought I was in a stall then I did last week when I only lost .6.  Ugh!  Not even a whole pound.  What is up with that?  I guess this is all part of the process and it happens, but that doesn't mean that I have to like it.  I have had to stop several times today and look at the big picture.  I have lost 44.2 pound since beginning my preop diet.  That's an average of close to 5 pounds a week which, by any standards, is awesome.  So that is the picture I choose to keep remembering.  Or, at least try to keep remembering. 

I'm trying very hard to live in the moment, but something keeps entering my head and I can't get it to stop.  Last Thursday at my 6 week postop appointment, Brittany (the P.A.) was thrilled with my weight loss and told me I should probably be down 80 pounds by my 6 month postop visit on December 7th.  Now, I feel this pressure to live up to that and it makes me a little panicky that I didn't lose but .6 this week.  I've yet to set any goals for myself weight-wise.  In other words, I've yet to say I will lose x pounds by x date and Brittany did that.  It was a positive thing as she was pointing out how awesome I will feel by Christmas.  I truly don't think she was purposely setting a goal for me.  She just knows what people do weight loss wise and was giving me an idea where I'd be the next time we see each other.  But, that has now put a goal in my head that I feel like I have to meet.  Otherwise, I will feel like......well, I'm not sure what, but I know I won't feel good.  I know I won't be a failure if I don't get to that goal by December 7th, but it will kinda feel like that.

Okay, wait.  After typing that last paragraph I figured it out.  I need to lose 36 pounds in 19 weeks to make that goal set by Brittany.  That's about 1.9 pounds average per week.  Hey, I can do that, right?  Already, I'm feeling much better.  Ugh!  I need to get back to living more in the moment and not looking so much to the future.  I've been so good about it and I'm gonna get back to it.  I feel so much better that way.

Alright, I think I've rambled enough for now about my insecurties so I'll close for now.  I hope everyone is rockin' their sleeve!

~Amy     

The Stall is Over

The title says it all....the stall is over.  I am down 6.2 since last Monday's weigh in.  Woo! Hoo!  On another note, I went shopping this weekend.  I started out at a size 28 in pants and a 4X in tops.  I've been wearing my 26's and 3X's in my closet but they are loose.  I didn't know if they were loose enough though to go down yet another size.  However, I was about to find out.  I went shopping last weekend and initially grabbed two pairs of pants, the same pants but one is a 26 and the other in a 24.  I did the same thing with a shirt only got a 3X and a 2X.  The smaller ones of both fit!!!  I haven't worn those sizes in quite awhile so I was very pleased.  It took me what felt like a long time to lose 1 size, but the 2nd size went quick.  I hope they continue to go quick! 

On another note, tomorrow is the day I have no food restriction anymore.  Well, other than the foods my sleeve says I can't eat.  I went shopping and picked up some things that I haven't been able to have before like fruit and nuts.  Also, I got some pasta.  Anyone who knows me in real life knows of my love for pasta.  I was shocked to find out a half cup of uncooked pasta has 7 grams of protein.  I like to add cheese to mine so that adds more protein.  I'm stoked and no, I don't care about the carbs in it.  For one, I'm trying to get in protein and am mostly watching that and my calories with less concentration on my carb intake.  For two, although high in carbs, it is a low glycemic index food which means the carbs break down more slowly, releasing glucose more gradually into the bloodstream and that is a good thing.

So today I am happy and I look so forward to my future now.  I've only lost a small portion of the weight I need to, but man do I feel better.  My body just doesn't hurt the way it did before and I'm noticing other small things that are so much easier to do.  Is it possible to be in love with a body part?  If so, I'm in love with my sleeve.  My surgeon told me I'd hate him for awhile then I'd love him.  I'd say I'm in the "I'd love him stage".  My sleeve is my favorite body part and while he doesn't know it, I think my surgeon is my new BFF. :-)

I hope everyone is kicking butt in their journey!

~Amy

Stall

So everyone on VST talks about the dreaded 3 week stall that comes usually between 3 to 6 weeks postop. I was sure I wouldn't have this stall. I've started and stopped Weight Watchers a gazillion times and never had a stall that early on so I didn't think I would post VSG. Actually, I was pretty confident that I wouldn't. Oh, how totally wrong I was. I weigh everyday but I only record it once a week. I weighed in this past Monday at 268.8. All week I've been weighing in anywhere in the 268 to 270 range. The scale is just not consistently going down like it has been. Heck, even the week before I weighed in at 272.4. This morning my scale said 270 point something. I don't remember. I just know it was the wrong direction and that means in the last (almost) 2 weeks I'm showing a weight loss of about 2 pounds. Yeah, I'm in this dreaded stall everyone talks about. It can mess with your head big time and yes, at times, it has messed with mine. I try to remain positive and realize stalls happen and I will move beyond this in due time and continue to lose weight. I wake up every single day thinking this is the day that the scale is going to start moving in the right direction but it hasn't happened......yet. True to my recent thought pattern, I'm thinking maybe tomorrow will be the day the scale moves. Moves in the right direction, that is. I've tried very hard from early on to try and take this journey day by day and not look too far in the future. Not exactly typical for me But I have to say I'm proud of myself as I really have been doing that During this journey. Maybe it has something to do with my new positive outlook on life. I always seem happy, but inside I wasn't. Now don't get me wrong, I wasn't overly depressed or anything. I just didn't look forward to the future. I wasn't too unhealthy, but my body hurt 24/7 and it made doing things so very hard. Hurting like I did just left me no enthusiasm for the future. Now though, a few short weeks out, I have such a positive outlook for my future. I just can't wait for what my future holds and it has been a long time since I thought that. I'm still morbidly obese, but I walk with a happy pep in my step these days.

Here's to my future and yours!

Take care,

~Amy

Postop Day 28

Postop day 28 was yesterday. Exactly 4 weeks since surgery. For me, it was a momentous day. It was the day my pain went away. I have had quite significant issues with pain and sometimes felt like it would never end. Okay yes, I knew logically it would end but it just felt like it wasn't going to sometimes. Even the night before I was awake in the middle of the night for an hour and 45 minutes with pain issues. However, I woke the next morning, postop day 28, and my pain level was barely noticible. As the day went on, my pain completely disappeared. Since surgery, it has never done that before. I spent the entire day waiting for it to come back and it never did. I was even able to do some things I haven't done since before surgery like bending over at the waist and picking something up off the floor. I was also able to sleep on my stomach last night too and I haven't been able to do that since my exacerbation of pain last Wednesday. I was so happy and I slept so good! This morning I woke up figuring I'd be in pain because I did have an extra busy day yesterday but I didn't. Yay! I feel so good now. I feel so normal now. I so hope my pain is gone for good.

~Amy

Pain!

I started back to work on Wednesday of last week.  I pretty much sat with my heating pad affixed to my left side where I am still having quite a bit of pain.  It was a long day, but I made it through.  Although I was still sore, I thought I was on the home stretch to healing.  Boy was I wrong.  As the evening went on, my pain increased.  I was laying down and using my heating pad but really trying not to have to take any pain meds.  Finally, the pain was so bad I took two pain pills around 11:30 p.m. and waited and waited and waited.  Finally, a little after 12:30 a.m. I was still in significant pain.  So much so that had I had someone else in my house, I would have had them take me to the emergency room for stronger pain meds.  I decided though to get in a bath of really hot water.  It helps with cramps so I thought it might help with my left side pain.  After about 35 minutes I could no longer stand the heat so I got out.  To my surprise, the bath did help the pain.  However, it didn’t take away the pain.  It took my pain level from a level 8 down to a level 4 on the 1 to 10 scale.  Now, a pain level of 4 isn’t that great, but considering how bad my pain was, a level 4 was livable.  Being that it was nearing 2 o’clock in the morning I called my boss at work and left her a voice mail of what had been going on and that I would check with her when I woke up.  The last time I remember looking at the clock was at 3:34 a.m.  I slept good until about 5:30 a.m., then catnapped.  I finally got up and decided against my better judgment to try and go into work.  I knew we were short staffed and I really felt like I needed to be there.  By the time I left my house, I was again in terrible pain.  As I drove to work, I called the doctor’s office crying because I hurt so bad and because now I was really nauseous.  Brittany, the P.A., alled me in Flexeril to try and help with the muscle pain which is what that left sided pain is.  She told me to wear a binder, use a heating pad, take 2 pain pills, a nausea pill and 1 Flexeril and do it as often as I could.  She assured me this pain is totally normal especially since I just returned to work.  Anyway, I arrived at work a few minutes later knowing in my heart that is the last place I needed to be.  I hurt so bad.  I only ended up making it about an hour before calling it quits for the day.  I drove straight toward my house making a stop only at the pharmacy to pick up my Flexeril.  As soon as I got home, I did as Brittany had instructed me to do and within an hour, I felt so much better.  I dosed again with the meds before bed hoping it would be enough so that I could go to work on Friday.  I did.  However, I’m still in pain.  I guess it is just a waiting game.  While I was at work on Friday though my knees started to HURT!  For quite some time now, my knees have been grinding when I walk up stairs.  There was never pain.  Just the grinding sound when I’d walk up stairs.  However, after using my knees and legs so much to avoid using my sore abdominal muscles, my knees are swollen and very sore.  It makes it pretty hard to get up when my abdominal muscles and your knees both hurt!  Right now, I feel like I’m falling apart.  I’ve made an appointment with my family doctor to discuss treatment for my knees as wells as to discuss my blood pressure meds.  I was taken off them in the hospital and told to follow up with my doctor in 6 weeks to see if I still needed the medicine.  I will be 4 weeks postop tomorrow but am going to talk to her about it at my appointment today since I will be there anyway.  I have a feeling she will put me back on them but I’m hoping I’ve lost enough weight to come off of them. 

~Amy

My First Meal

Today was a great day.  I finally progressed from the liquid diet on to the next stage.  It is often referred to as the mushies stage althought crisp crakers and well-toasted bread are included in it.  I have looked forward to and dreamed about this day for I can't tell you how long.  Being on an all liquid diet sure was a test of my will.  It is also common for people to wonder "did my surgeon actually cut away the majority of my stomach?"  On liquids, you can consume more than you think you should be able to and more than you can of solids.  People talk about how little they can eat but I think they are referring to the amount of solids, not liquids.  I don't think those of us new in this process really realize that because it is not uncommon to see posts on the boards of people concerned that they can ingest so much liquid.  Others further along in the process respond with such responses as "just wait to you get to solids" and "it is normal to be able to ingest more liquids".  Anyway, as I said, I have dreamed of the day I finally got to have "my first meal".  Mostly I've dreamed about what I was going to eat.  Scrambled eggs and refried beans seem to be very popular first meal choices.  For me, I wanted something cruchy.  Oh, how I missed the crunch of a chip or cracker.  Its been 5 very long weeks since I had the crunch of a chip or cracker.  Anyway, I vascillated between having a scrambled egg or at least part of a scrambled egg and having one of my all time favorite "meals", cheese with pretzel chips.  Guess what won?  Yeah, this:

Well, not this exact slice of cheese and these exact three pretzel chips because I ate the originals.  I went into the kitchen to fix my first meal.  I stood there wondering how much could I eat.  I had absolutely no clue so I got out 2 slices of cheese and the bag of pretzel chips.  Surely I could eat 2 slices of chesse with pretzels, right?  Uh, no I couldn't.  When all was said and done, I only could eat 1 slice of cheese and 3 pretzel chips and I was stuffed.  Not miserable or sick.  Just stuffed  You would have thought I had just eaten a gourmet meal the way I enjoyed it.  Yeah, it was that yummy!  I ate it very slowly and chewed every bite to mush before swallowing it.  It is a little scary eating solid foods for the first time.  I don't want to overeat and be misearable nor do I want the slimes or to throw up.  Most of all though, I don't want to get a blockage.  Nothing happened though except that I got full and I felt a huge since of accomplishment.  It sounds kinda cheesy to say I felt a since of accomplishment at eating, but none-the-less, I did.

As I continue with this journey, I am still trying to determine the indication(s) my sleeve is giving me for being full.  Everyone is unique and there seems to be many different ways a sleeve has for saying that's enough.  I started noticing during the liquid phase of my diet that I would get this little pressure in the center of my chest between my breasts.  I wasn't sure if that was my signal that I'd had enough or it was just the way my sleeve was reacting to what I had ingested.  I would always stop at that feeling because of the fear of overdoing it and causing any of the issues I mentioned above.  When I ate my first meal, that all too familiar feeling came over me so I stopped and I was content for hours afterward.  For now, I'm going to take that as my signal that I've had enough and I need to stop.  I don't know that will always be my signal so I will continue to be very vigilant of how my body is feeling and of the signs it is giving me.  My goal is to never eat so much that I am nauseous, that I have to throw up, that I get the slimes or that I get a blockage.  

On another note, have you ever been asked what your favorite part of your body is.  I was thinking of that question and that, for the vast majority of people, the answers are some outward part of their appearance like their eyes or their arms, etc.  Ask a person post VSG what their favorite part of their body is and I betcha the vast majority of us would say "my sleeve".  Never in a million years would I have ever thought I would ever answer that question that way.  At least, not until after I had surgery anyway.  I spent a lot of money for this surgery and it is worth every penny.  Heck, maybe even more.  I love what my sleeve is doing for me and I will be forever greatful to Dr. Nicholson for "giving" me this gift.  Because of my sleeve, I am very optimistic for what lies ahead in my future.

~Amy

Support

I think I may have mentioned this before, but since the beginning of my VSG journey, I've become friends with two ladies I initially "met" on the boards. We all three had surgery on the same day, at the same hospital by the same doctor. It has been such a blessing to have these women in my life. There is no better support than that of someone who had surgery the same day and by the same doctor as me. If you can find someone like that before you have surgery, I would HIGHLY recommend it. If it isn't someone who has the same doctor as you, at least have friend who had surgery the same day. It's amazing having that support and friendship. One of the two ladies, Kristi, lives quite a few hours away. I wish she lived closer so we could hang out, but none-the-less I enjoy our new friendship....even if it is mostly a phone friendship. Regardless of the distance between is, she is still becoming a great friend and someone I look forward to having in my life For many more years to come.

My next source of support is the support group offered at a local hospital. It is for people or friends and loved ones of people who have had, are getting ready to have or are considering weight loss surgery. It is only once a month but I look forward to seeing the other lady I met, Donna, there. I also look forward to making other friends from there.

Another source of real live support I'm hoping to ne involved with also comes from the VST boards. There is a subforum on the boards for people to commect whomlive in the same geographical area. Another lady and I are starting up a group from there that can meet up regularly for get togethers and support. I love this idea! We all suffer with food issues and we all have had or will soon be having sleeve surgery. We can all understand each other in ways "outsiders" cannot.

I really think don't think a person can have too much support. Yes, our physicians physically limited the amount of food we can take in, thus resulting in weight loss. However, it is only a tool. It is very possible to "cheat the sleeve", as they say. That can lead to less success in losing and/or maintaining weight.

I've also mentioned in a post about the idea of counseling. I've pretty much decided I need to do this, at least for awhile anyway. I've never had counseling and the idea of picking up the phone and making that initial call is intimidating. I really need to do it soon though. It definitely can't hurt and since I've met my maximum out of pocket for 2012, it would be free. I would be stupid not to take advantage of that support.

On a final note about support, I count myself very blessed to have the support of my family, my best friend, Shawna and my other friends. I definitely couldn't do this without them. There are people who don't have the support of some of their family and friends and I feel so bad for them and it makes me that much more thankful for the support I do already have.

~Amy

Post Op Day 13

I had my 2 week postop appointment today and all is well.  Actually, all is really good.  Everything except my protein intake which I still struggle with but Brittany, the PA I saw, wasn't too concerned this early out.  Oh, and the fact that I am still on liquids.  I just cannot wait until next Tuesday when I can eat some real food.  Mushies, as they call it.  That opens up a lot of things like mashed potatoes, refried beans, canned tuna and chicken, thinly sliced lunch meat, jello.  Lots of things.  I think you get the picture.  As of my appointment today, I'm now cleared to take a bath.  My oh my have I missed my baths.  In the evenings, I typically take a relaxing bath more days of the week than I don't.  I may have to start taking them tonight.  I hope it is as good as I think it will be.

On another note, be careful and don't overdo things.  Yesterday and today my left side, where my big incision was, has been hurting.  It has also brought me almost to tears a couple of times.  I talked to Brittany about this at my appointment today.  She told me they see tons of patients and get tons of calls from patients right around the 2 week mark who complain of the same thing.  She said right before 2 weeks patients ususally start feeling good and start doing things and they end up lifting too much or bending and twisting too much without realizing it until later.  Well, she hit the nail on the head.  I have been feeling better and I started doing little projects around the house this weekend.  They actually encourage such to help build the stamina lost from surgery.  Wouldn't you know, those "little" projects ended up with me hurting the following 2 days.  Brittany assured me that I didn't do any damage to myself.  I just irritated that area of my abdomen which is still healing.  Hello pain meds again.  I've sure needed them the last two days.

Today, I spent a few hours with my Momma and sister.  It's my birthday and we went for pedicures.  My mom treated me!  I also got some cool gifts from them.  It was a really good day.  It always is when I get to hang out with my mom and sister.  Especially, when I get to hang out with both of them at the same time.  We are all 3 close, but it sure doesn't seem like we all 3 get to spend time together very often.  I'm glad we got to today.

I've completed my first 4 weeks of documenting my weight and measurements.  I am down a total of 27.8 pounds.  My measurements though stayed exactly the same so I won't post those yet.  Here's my next weight progress picture:

Until next time....

~Amy

Postop Day 10

Wow! I am loving my sleeve. As of today, I've lost a total of 27 pounds since I began my preop diet. The postop liquid diet SUCKS big time. There are some positive things about ot though. Besides the most important thing of allowing my new tummy to heal so I don't get a leak, the most fun thing is that the weight is just falling off me. Yay! I certainly do love that. I know one day it will slow down. Until it does though, I'm gonna enjoy the heck out of it!

In the beginning I had quite a lot of pain. However, today I count myself thankful. The pain is minimal at this point. I still take pain meds at night to sleep as I just sleep more comfortably. At this point, I have zero issues with constipation and reflux and I even stopped taking the reflux medicine shortly after I got out of the hospital. I also don't have many issues with gas. I had a little gas initially, but hardly have any now. Mainly, I feel a little of it in the center of my chest between my breasts when I take a drink of cold water. But that's it. I also don't seem to have any problems with liquids. No, I cannot drink as much or as quickly as I could preop, but for a postop VSGer, I'm able to drink quite amount, quite quickly. I wonder how I will do once I am able to start eating food. I hear that is when I will really feel the restriction. I feel it now somewhat. I now drink about 8 ounces of soup and I am stuffed. Preop, I could have a lot more than that and have other foods too with my soup so I know the restriction is there. I really cannot wait though to feel the restriction I will have with food. Preop, I could eat a pretty massive amount of food before I felt full. I can't wait to feel in control by being able to eat small amounts of food and be satisfied.

The ability to eat massive amounts of food in a setting has been taken care of. I obviously won't be able to do that anymore. However, there is the other side of my battle with food, the mental side. The surgery didn't cure that and my ability to continue to make bad food choices or to eat bad stuff all day. Grazing is what that is called. There are ways to cheat the sleeve and not be successful with it. It is only a tool, not a cure. I really need to figure out what I'm gonna do about that side of the issue. Maybe I need counseling. There is also this online self-guided program that deals with the mental addiction side of food. It gets great reviews. However, I don't know if those reviews are coming from people who have serious food addiction issues such as someone of my weight has or if they come from people who had/have little weight to lose. Not to diminish those people, but someone with 20/25 pounds to lose doesn't have the same issues with food as someone at my weight does. I think I might make a post on the VSG boards and get others' opinions and see what others have done. Yeah, actually I am going to do that. I think it could help me to make my decision.

As always, I wish everyone the best in their journey.

~Amy

One Week Ago

At 6:00 am one week ago today, I had my vertical sleeve gastrectomy.  I woke up at 7:30 this morning and my first thought when I looked at the clock and saw the time was that one week ago at that moment I was probably begging for pain medicine.  My first memory after surgery was waking up in recovery all tensed up, my back arched off the bed, I was wincing in pain and begging for pain medicine.  That seems like so long ago now.  So much has changed in just one short week.  I'm still dealing with some pain in the large surgical site on the left side of my abdomen and my energy, well there isn't much of it.  I have just completed week one of my three week liquid postop diet.  With so little nutrition and calories no wonder I have a lack of energy.  Overall though, I feel like I am on my way to making a full recovery.  My attitude remains amazing.  A lot of people go through a depression durging the early stages and I have yet to.  Not that I won't, but I haven't yet and I am grateful for that.  Right now, I am just so excited for what the future holds for me.  I am so ready though to be done with this liquid diet!!!  Unfortunately, I still have 2 more weeks of it.  I say unfortunately, but really, it is for my benefit.  Dr. Nicholson said he has a zero leak record when people followed the three week postop liquid diet.  That's comforting to know because as much as I'd like to bend the rules and eat something soft, I won't.  A leak is very serious and people go though a lot when they have one.  A bite or two of mushies before physician recommended just isn't worth it.  And hey, another positive of being on liquids is my caloric intake is very low so that's better for weight loss, right?

I hope everyone is doing well in their journey.

~Amy

Postop Randomness

Well, I'm now 4 days postop. Sometimes, it seems like my surgery was much longer ago than that. In other ways, I cannot believe it has already been 4 days. This is a very much an up and down journey. At least for me anyway. What I'm figuring out is my ups and downs seem to correlate with my pain level. I'm so very thankful to have the stronger pain meds. They have certainly made a huge difference for me physically and mentally. When I physically hurt, my mental state is down the drain. My physical and mental feelings seems to go hand in hand with each other more so since my surgery.

Today, I just couldn't seem to get full and I was running a low grade fever and I just generally was feeling kinda cruddy. It occurred to me that I was getting the vast majority of my fluids in with water. I wasn't drinking much soups. I made myself an 8 ounce glass of chicken broth and man did it taste good. But, the best thing is it filled me up. Maybe a little too much but the uncomfortable feeling didn't last too long. I also hadn't had any pain meds since the night before, nearly 20 hours earlier,and my level of pain was becoming bothersome so I took my pain meds. The benefit to that is they have Tylenol in them which knocked out my low grade fever as well as my pain. Wow! I feel so much better! Again, that physical and mental thing going very closely hand in hand.

On another note, today is the first day I've had any significant protein. I drank my entire 11 ounce protein shake. That's 30 grams of protein. It was so hard to drink. It just feels so heavy in my stomach. I read somewhere on VST where a girl thinned hers down with milk. I may have to do that. Anyway, that shake cured any constipation issues I may have been developing. It messed up my tummy something fierce and my potty and me were inseparable for quite some time. I do feel I accomplished two things though. I got in some protein and I avoided getting constipation..at least so far anyway.

I've been staying with my parents since being discharged from the hospital. My momma has taken such good care of me. I really do owe her a lot. I couldn't have made it without all she has done for me. That being said, I am about ready to go home. I miss my bed and I miss my girls----my cats Callie (aka Sweet C) and Kylee (aka Ky) and I know they miss me too. Oh, and I miss my scale. I haven't weighed since surgery and I'm curious to do so.

Finally, I want to give a shout out to the people who frequent VST - Vertical Sleeve Talk. They are wonderful and so supportive. I don't know what I would do without such a great group of people. I too hope I can be there for others who are behind me in this process.

As always, I wish everyone luck in their journey.

~Amy

Yeah, It Sucks at Times

I'm now three days post op and am having times of "buyers remorse". The pain in the big incision has been excruciating at times. I finally called my doctor's office and asked for something stronger. Thank goodness they had no issue calling it in. My Mom is going to go get it in a little while. I'm looking forward to some real relief! On the protein side of things, I'm sucking. I cannot tolerate my protein shakes at this point so the only protein I'm getting is the little bit on the milk that is used to thin my soup. I made a post on the VST boards about it and people told me to focus on hydration right now. That makes sense. Not having much protein on a short term basis won't put me in the hospital. Not getting adequate hydration could. I'm not up to the 64 ounces they want me to be at yet, but I'm working at it. Who knew that getting in all this fluid would feel like working a full-time job?

Knowing what I know now, would I do this again? Yeah, more than likely I would. At times I think I wouldn't, but I do know what I'm going through now is temporary and the benefits I get in the long run will make it all worth it.

~Amy

Surgery - Two Days Later

This is definitely worse than the pain following the removal of my gallbladder or I've seriously forgotten that pain. I remember using very little pain meds following that surgery. Since my VSG two days ago, I'm steadily taking my pain meds...liquid Lortab.

On another note, I was discharged from the hospital today. I found out yesterday that I have to give myself blood thinner injections once a day for 10 days. They showed me how to do it yesterday, then made me do it today. I have always been terrified of needles but surprisingly, my first attempt went quite well. I nailed it with no issues. The needle is very tiny and it goes in your tummy. There's plenty of fat there! I also had to have my Q ball and drain lines removed as well. The Q ball line was inserted right under the skin of the big incision that was supposed to help with the pain. That came out quickly and easily. Then there was the drain. I initia
Ly didnt think i had one until the nurse pulled out this little fluid filled ball from the pocket of my hospital gown. It was then that I realized I indeed had a drain. I read a post on VST where people said it didn't hurt to have it removed. Ha! Mine hurt big time. I've been told I have a high tolerance for pain, but I'm not thinking that so much anymore. It felt like all my insides were being yanked out when she took the drain out and it hurt! I was so glad when that thing was finally out.

I live alone. Well, my two cats live there but they wouldn't be much help so I'm staying with my parents until I feel ready to go home. I haven't managed to get any protein down yet but I am doing a decent job on the liquids. I plan to start tomorrow on working on getting my protein down. All in all, I think I'm doing pretty good. I have had a few moments of "buyers remorse" but they usually don't last very long.

I'm not sure you can get the depth of this whole process until you've gone through it. I'm giving you my honest experience. No sugar coating it. I think people need to know the truth even though it isn't always as pretty as roses. That being said, would I do it again? You betcha I would simply for the benefits that are to follow.

Good luck to everyone in their journey.

~Amy

Surgery Day

Well, there's no turning back now. I had surgery at 6:00 am today so I'm officialy on the losers bench. Well, actually I'm on the losers bed.

For anyone who is a patient of Dr. Nick Nicholson at Forest Park Medical Center, this may be most helpful to you:

I got to the hospital at 4:00 this morning. At first it was a lot of hurry up and wait.  I got my ID band between the 4:00 and 5:00 hour. Around 5:00 am I went back to the holding area where I got changed into ONLY a hospital gown and where I got my IV. The first attempt was a failure. She got it in but it just did'nt do whatever it was supposed to. Oh, and they used Lidocaine to numb the area. Lidocaine stings a bit, but it makes the IV going in a lot smoother from my perspective. I barely felt anything. I would call what I felt, pressure not pain. Now, all I had to do was meet with the Anesthesiologist and my doctor. Oh, and his surgery nurse. She popped in and identified herself before Dr. Nick and the anesthesiologist. Shortly thereafter I saw Dr. Nick and the anesthesiologist. Things went quickly after that. Within minutes of the anesthesiologist leaving my room she came back with Verced....the drug that relaxes you and there and then I was off. I remember going into the operating room and getting on the OR table. Next thing I know, I woke up in recovery. I have no idea how long I was in surgery or recovery. I told my Mom who was with me to ask Dr. Nick about my liver. He told her it looked awesome and he could tell I did a good job on the preop diet. Hallelujah!!

Okay, this is where I describe everything so far after surgey. If you only want the "pretty roses" story, I'd suggest you stop reding now. So I woke up in Recovery. I have no idea how long the surgery lasted or how long I'd been in Recovery. I didn't wake up with a catheter or a drain. Yay! I woke up with INTENSE pain and my back arched.  That is my very first memory.  I soon realized I had severe cotton mouth too.  But mostly, it was just about the INTENSE pain. At that point, I wondered what in the heck I had done to myself and I truly wished, at that point, that I could rewind time and not go through what I just had.  I truely was feeling regret.  Yeah, I know I may sound like a whinny baby but I really am not. I've been told by other doctors that I have a high tolerance for pain. But not today! I think it was more physical pain then I've ever felt in my entire life. They just couldnt give me enough pain meds this morning.  But after what felt like an eternity, I was able to get enough to calm the pain down to a tolerable level.  Thank goodness for the Morphine pain pump. It hasn't completly killed the pain but, as of right now, it is manageable.

So that pretty much sums up surgery day for me. I think that is all for now.
~Amy

Preop Diet - Day 14/Surgery Eve

The preop diet is done.......well, except for my final protein shake. I'm about ready to have it though and then that will be it except water up to 10 pm at which time I'm cut off. I got a call from the doctor's office this morning to tell me what time to be at the hospital. Yikes! 4 am is my arrival time. I thought I had a 7 am surgery. When I asked the nurse what time surgery was she said "a couple of hours after you get here". Surely, that means I'm the first of the day. I hope there aren't several of us arriving that time and that my surgery is still at 7 am. All I know is I don't think I will be getting much sleep tonight. Between being a night owl, the excitement and the nerves, who knows if I'll get any sleep. I guess there will be plenty of time for that tomorrow and the days to come.

Like I mentioned, I'm excited and nervous all at the same time. My nerves aren't really about going under as much as they are about what to expect afterwards. I guess you could say the fear of the unknown. I too am a little anxious about the fact that the majority of my stomach will be gone for forever. Yeah, I know that's the point here, but it still oogs me out somewhat.

Well, wish me luck. I will be back to blogging as soon as I can.

~Amy

Preop Diet - Days 11, 12 & 13

I loved typing the last number.....13. That means I'm almost done with my preop diet and it is almost time for surgery. Things have gone quite well. On preop day 2, I sure didn't think they would be going as good as they are or that I would have ever made it to this point. It's hard to believe that I only have 1 more day before my life changes forever. I will never again be able to eat as much food in one setting as I can today. My stomach will be tiny. I read somewhere the average stomach holds 50 ounces and a stomach after VSG will hold 3 to 4 ounces. That's a lot of stomach taken out!

My new friend Kristi from West Texas who is having surgery on the same day and with the same doctor as me is on her way in town with her husband. I so can't wait to meet her in person! Since we have to have a liquid dinner, we are going to meet for lunch and have our "last meal" out somewhere. Of course, it won't be a "good" meal. It will be the foods allowed on our 1 meal-a-day preop diet. After lunch, Kristi and I are gonna do some retail therapy. She promised her 7 year old a gift so we're off to Sam Moon. I think a Costco trip is in the plans too for some vitamims and such. I've really enjoyed getting to know Kristi over the phone and so I'm looking forward to meeting her in person and having her as a longtime friend. After all, we will be going through this journey at the same time. Who better to give support to and get support from?

I hope everyone is doing good in their journey.

~Amy

Preop Diet - Days 9, 10

Things have pretty much been the same here lately so there isn't much to write about. I did have a birthday party to go to tonight.....my 8 year old niece's. It was kinda rough. There was pizza and, oh my, it looked soooooo good. There was also fruit, veggies, chips, soda, cake, icecream. The only thing preop diet friendly on that list were the veggies and that's what I stuck to. I sure didn't want to. However, I have this huge fear of waking up and finding out Dr. Nick didn't do my surgery because my liver hadn't shrunk. I don't know why I fear this. I have no reason really to but I do. I guess the only way it's gonna go away is after I find out my surgery was done. I think the nerves are setting in. Funny that they are about not getting the procedure. I hope everyone is doing well in their journey. ~Amy

Preop Diet - Days 7 & 8

Preop diet days 7 and 8 have gone good.  Today was the start of my second week.  A week ago I wouldn't have thought I'd be as okay with it as I am.  I do miss eating food at breakfast and lunch though so I can't wait to start eating those meals again.  But, it sure does make my dinner meal so very good.  I look forward to it everyday, that's for sure. 

On another note, I found out my surgery time is 7:00 a.m.  I think that means I'm the first for the day.  I don't imagine they would be doing a surgery earlier than that.  However, a 7:00 a.m. surgery means having to be at the hospital way early.  Like 5:00 a.m. early.  Yikes!  I have a sneaking suspicion that I won't be getting much sleep the night before.  Heck, I probably wouldn't be getting much sleep the night before anyway.  This just makes the night of no sleep that much shorter.  It's hard to believe that by this time next week I will be sleeved!  I cannot wait...I think!

Preop Diet - Day 6

Another good day down and another day closer to my surgery.  I can't believe that it is as close as it is.  I am seriously getting excited for it.  Okay, not the actual surgery part but for my future life after having the surgery.  I finally feel some hope in my battle with my weight.  I felt like I was in a hole I couldn't get myself out of.  Now, I feel like I'm getting a tool to help me be a healthier, skinnier and happier me and I can't wait for the future.  I can't wait to be off my blood pressure medicine.  I can't wait for my body not to hurt all the time.  I can't wait to have more energy.  I can't wait to be able to do more with my youngest niece and nephew.  I can't wait to do for a lot of things.  I'm just plain excited to be on this journey.

As I've mentioned, I am going to be documenting my journey in scrapbook format which I will have made into a hardbound book once I make my goal.  Each month will have two pages.  One page will be my stats (weekly weight and once a month measurements, BMI and fitness scores).  The other page will be my pics.  Since I only have my starting stats, I'm not posting that layout this month.  I am going to post my starting pics though. Hereout, every 4 weeks I will post the prior months stats with the current pic.  For starters, here is my beginning pics at a weight of 304.6:

~Amy

Preop Diet - Day 5

Things just seem to be getting better and better on this preop diet.  I still haven't had any negative symptoms other than the bad day on day 2 and I continue to make strides in drinking my protein shakes.  I am managing to get them down much easier now.  I'm not gagging when I drink them anymore and I don't obsess over the aftertaste of them for 30 minutes plus anymore.  Woo Hoo!!  All that being said, I don't think I will ever drink chocolate milk again once I can get off the protein shakes.  I've always LOVED chocoate milk, but I'm getting a ton of it in my chocolate protein shakes that I think I will be over the chocolate milk taste!

On another note, I've began talking to two people I "met" on the VST boards.  Both are having surgery by Dr. Nick at Forest Park on June 5th just like me.  One lives in West Texas and the other about an hour 1/2 east of me.  Getting together isn't an option right now but we plan on meeting up after Kristi from West Texas gets in town.  I so cannot wait to meet her and my new friend Donna who I chatted with for the first time tonight.  I love having new friends who are going through this at the same time as me and I look forward to continuing to build my new friendships.  Today has been a good day.  I hope things continue to go as good.

~Amy  

Preop Diet - Day 4

It's amazing how much different I feel today compared to how I felt just 2 short days ago.  No, I haven't magically started liking my protein shakes.  But, I did manage to drink them today without gagging and that's an accomplishment.  Not a big one, but an accomplishment none-the-less.  I have felt awesome today.  I think I'm getting some of the energy II've heard people get when they are eating low carb.  I haven't really had any carb withdrawal symptoms.  I guess my "meltdown" on Tuesday could be considered one, but I'm talking about the stuff other people talk about...the headaches, feeling jittery or nauseous or the desire to "kill" someone, anyone.  I really feel like I must be doing something wrong because I haven't felt any of those.  I hope I'm past the point of feeling any of those things.  I just want the next 11 days to go smoothly....PLEASE!

I wish everyone luck on your journey....whereever you may be in it.

~Amy

Preop Diet - Day 3

Well, today is a better day.  I'm still not sure how I am going to get through having to use liquid protein other than to just do it.  I don't have to like it.  I just have to drink it.  Sometimes that just seems easier than others.  Like right now, it seems like such a simple statement but that is probably because I'm done with them for today and don't have to stress about it until tomorrow  On a positive note, I've already lost about 6 pounds.  Yeah, it's just water weight, but hey, it's a start right?

I've mentioned before that I am planning on tracking my journey in multiple ways and then putting it in a scrapbook format.  I will be weighing weekly.  Once a month I am going to take pictures, do my measurements and redo my fitness tests.  I plan on posting them here too.  That's a little scary for me because, without my picture on here, I feel somewhat anonymous should someone I know come across this blog.  However, anyone who knows me in real life would know this is my blog after reading it.  I don't think with alot of the details in here that it would be hard to figure out.  Maybe I'm more worried about them seeing my stats.  Outside of doctors, no one in real life knows my weight.  Not even my best friend who knows EVERYTHING else about me.  Aw well, I need to get over those fears and just do it, right?

I hope everyone is doing well!  Happy Friday Eve.

~Amy

Preop Diet - Day 2

This is already a roller coaster ride and not the fun kind either.  I only managed to drink 1 of my 2 protein shakes today.  I just couldn't stomach the 2nd one today.  I JUST FREAKIN' HATE ARTIFICAL SWEETENERS!!!!  I have no idea how in the heck I am going to do this.  This totally sucks!!!!  Ever since lunch, I just can't bring myself to believe that I can do this.  How am I going to drink protein shakes that I hate for at least 5 weeks (2 weeks preop and at least 3 weeks postop)?  I really don't know if I can do it.  I really don't.  I've tried no less than 8 and still can't find one that I can't taste the artificial sweetner in.  I thought the Premier Protein Shakes were it, but nope.  Just another one on the list of ones I don't like.  I want this surgery so very much, but I just don't know if I will be able to get to that point.  I haven't quit YET.  I have moments where I tell myself I can do this, but those really are just words coming out of my mouth.  There really isn't any belief in those words right now.  It doesn't help either that I feel like crap.  My sinuses are just messed up.  I don't know if I am still healing from surgery or if I am getting sick.  I really think it is the latter based on the new symptoms that developed over the last few days.  Crap!  I just am not liking life right now.  Yeah, I'm whining ALOT in this post but I can because it is my blog and my place to do it.  For anyone who may be reading, I'd like to be my usual self and put on a happy face and pretend I know everything will be okay, but I just truly don't know that right now and therefore I truly can't pretend.  Not tonight anyway!

~Amy

Preop Diet - Day 1

I seriously need counseling for my mental issues with food.  In this case, I'm talking about my preop protein drink, Premier Protein Shakes.  I know I sound like a broken record, but I just have such an adversion to any artificial sweetener.  At least a mental one anyway.  When I initially tried them, I thought I didn't taste the artificial sweetener in these shakes but I do.  I know logically it isn't going to kill me to drink these things I just don't wanna!!!!  Okay, I'm done with whining.....at least for now.  Overall, day 1 is going good so far.  I keep telling myself this is temporary and I can do anything for awhile.  Of course, it is only day 1.  Who knows how I'll be down the road.  There will probably be a lot more whining.  But no more for today.  The protein shakes are done for today and now I get to have my meal of 5 oz. of lean protein, 2 cups of non-starch veggies and 1 fat serving.  Yippee!!!  I can't wait.

I hope everyone is doing well in their journey!

Take care,
~Amy

Pre Op Diet

So this weekend is my last weekend to eat whatever and how much ever I want.  My preop diet starts this Tuesday.  This Tuesday....Oh crap, that is only a few days away!  I can do this, right?  I'm so scared of the low carb thing.  I.LOVE.MY.CARBS!  I am so nervous about this preop diet.  Heck, I'm more nervous for it than the actual surgery.  How crazy is that??? Yeah, crazy, I know.  I just have to keep reminding myself that it is only for 2 weeks....14 days.  That is the blink of an eye in the whole scheme of life.  Plus, there's a "prize" at the end of those 14 days.  My new life will begin.  June 5, 2012 will always be a special day to me just as January 18, 2006, the day I quit smoking, is. 

I'm mostly prepared but still working on the final things.  I live alone so this weekend I'm cleaning out my pantry, fridge and freezer.  I'm getting rid of all the junk that I can't have on my preop diet and that I don't want to have after my surgery.  I also wanna make a list of things to pack.  I will be in the hospital up to 2 nights.  Then, I will be staying with my parents until I feel ready to go home.  I need to get my vitamins organized and find a medicine reminder for my phone and get everything put in there.

As I mentioned before, I love to scrapbook.  More specifically, digital scrapbook.  I plan to document this journey here as well as in digital scrapbook format with pictures, measurements and fitness scores.  In the Weight Loss For Dummies book they have a way to help measure your fitness levels.  They have you do certain things that "measure" your upper and lower body as well as your abdominal strength and you retake the "tests" over time to see how you are progressing.  I guess I need to do those "tests" this weekend too as well as take my measurement and some pictures.

Okay, so I have a little more than I originally thought to do, but it is all quite doable this weekend.  I'm off Monday for my preop, so I have and extra day to get things done.  Oh heck, preop.  There's another thing I need do too.  I need to quit typing as my list keeps getting longer.  

So overall, I am really excited.  This surgery gives me hope which is something I haven't had a lot of lately.  Here's lookin' toward the future.....

~Amy